Unwritten Skiing Rules ( you should all know )

pavelski wrote:In every sport there are unwritten well accepted rules of conduct that all "knowledgeable" person know. They are not written and posted on walls. They are not given in books or magazines. They are passed along word of mouth or learnt by watching other skiers behave a certain way.

In golf there are certain behaviors that no one should do.

In tennis there are certain "actions" players are never to do.

In skiing there are many "actions", behaviors which must never be done. They are called the "unwritten rules" of behavior.

The problem is that every nation and often every ski resort has a variation of these rules. I will present some of the ones I know and I am sure others will contribute.

All the rules have reasons for their application and to the neophyte often these reasons are not evident. They often are based on ;respect, safety, tradition and "symbolism".

Whenever I go to a new ski resort or new ski country I always get a local ski guide for my group not so much for the skiing ( as most tourist think) but to acquire the local rules, traditions and "histories". These local guides know all those "unwritten rules", traditions thus we avoid "les faux pas".

Let me give you an example before listing those unwritten rules. What ski tourists do not appreciate is that local village "guide" knows all the people in the village, valley and perhaps country's ski world. He/she knows where is the very best run, but also the best resto, bar, inn, etc,,,,
In one village inn, there is a bar with a corner table JUST for patrollers and ski lift workers. You do not sit there ever. No sign on table,,but you will feel the looks, stares and lack of service as you wait wait and wait for that beer.

That guide gives me and my group those "unwritten rules" of the region.

Rule 1 (based on respect)

You are with a group of 5-10 skiers at top of mountain. A moment a admiration of the view, then watch what happens.

The unwritten rule is,,,,the better skiers go first. A natural pecking order happens for safety reasons , but also out of respect to,,, You learn by watching the better skier go down. You learn to pick the better track by following the better skiers. You become a better skier by following,,,,
(you also hide well your Hesitations, fear, stress BEHIND those better skiers).

I often see this. A group with a ski instructor, guide or just former racer. The young, immature skier will rush out to be the first down in group, then he ( most of time) will feel the pressure just behind as the better skiers pick up speed, pick better lines, then ultimately pass him. Loss of face. It is not a race to the bottom but there is a flow to the ski speed of the group. The "old bull" sets this speed and flow, not the young bull.


2. Rule 2 Respect of territory

Watch and observe this. In every ski chalet there is a place for the locals, the GROUP, the "elders". You all know them those old warriors who have skied for 60 years or more, who have acquired the right to their table, their stall and in some cases their room. Do NOT sit there unless invited.
They will watch you ski. They will observe your behavior. They might invite you over after some time,,,,, You do not make first move.


3. Rule 3. Respect of tradition

Here is the scene. +40 cm. of fresh powder has fallen. You get up very very early and are first at life line,,,,waiting!
Lift opens and is cleaned and you see 3-8 skiers walking over to lift. Keep quiet!
Say nothing. Watch and learn.

They will not even get in line. They might stop and observe you for a brief moment. They will chat with lift operator, joke a little and then get on lift. I am sure you will notice that they do not even have season passes. day tickets or any form of lift passes.

They are the GODS of the this ski resort. The owners perhaps. The General Manager and the ski school director. Sometimes just a ski writer, ski guide, or a well know ski racer. In short do not complain, watch and learn and hope that some day while they are watching you they will say, "you,,,good skier,,,,come "
You will have a ski day like you have never had. Discovery of trails, cut-offs, couloirs you never knew existed.
Yes just watch.

4. Listen before speaking.

This unwritten rule is what most neophytes often transgress so often in their desire to show how great they are in skis.

Here is the context. New to a group of skiers ( so you want to show how much you know). Having coffee before lifts open and so there is small talk about weather, snow, slopes, etc,,,
The subject of the new skis comes into play and you now offer your analysis of the new technique ALL SKIERS must master. You even get up from table a demonstrate the correct hand position, those knees must,,,, the hip must,,,,,,,

There is silence from group for a moment, the all get back to the weather, snow,
last night's meal.....

What you failed to know was that those 4 men sitting at the table,,, one was a former World Cup national racer, the other was ski guide with a level IV ski instructor certification, the ski school director and the ski patrol director.
No need to tell them about technique. They all have "unique" technique.
( this really happened).

I am sure you can contribute to this list.


Oh,,,,,one more.

5. Leave your "prejudice" at home.

Context: You have been skiing with two great older skiers and you can hardly keep up. You are learning a great deal with these two not only about skiing but about ski skiing life.
As you go up a chairlift,,,,you see a skier with a knee brace and you comment,"he should not be on skis. Too dangerous for himself and others. See how he is weak on his right turn."

What you fail to see as you put your foot into your mouth is the smiles from your two partners. One has two artificial knees and hips and recent open heart surgery. The other two cancer operations, one knee replacement and one ski pole removal from chest just 4 months ago.

Learn to keep your prejudice home while skiing. I never talk about; politics, the stock market, money ,family problems and sex. Well sex,,,,,,,,just positive and nice items!

Pavelski, thanks for your amusing post. You have provided good food for thought for tourists visiting the mountains. I would argue that basic manners and common sense would see most people comply with the most important unwritten rules of the mountain. I'll look out for the village elders and bow as they pass me form now on though.

Do you have any views on how local mountain communities and local mountain economies should treat tourists who, ultimately, are the life blood of the mountain?

Without tourists most of the local folk would be forced to descend to towns and cities off of the mountain they rightly love and cherish in order to seek work and education? So the next time tourists are expected to wait and wait and wait for a drink because they have unknowingly sat down at the wrong table or suffered some other mishap at the hands of a provincial or overly bureaucratic mindset - what guidance might be provided to local mountain communities to ensure that tourists continue to leave their hard earned cash on the mountain?

Everybody is a tourist.

steverandomno wrote:Everybody is a tourist.

Now that is either incredibly profound and deep and meaningful or ....
totally banal :roll:

sasha320 wrote:
Without tourists most of the local folk would be forced to descend to towns and cities off of the mountain they rightly love and cherish in order to seek work and education? So the next time tourists are expected to wait and wait and wait for a drink because they have unknowingly sat down at the wrong table or suffered some other mishap at the hands of a provincial or overly bureaucratic mindset - what guidance might be provided to local mountain communities to ensure that tourists continue to leave their hard earned cash on the mountain?

Spot on :thumbup:

OldAndy wrote:

steverandomno wrote:Everybody is a tourist.

Now that is either incredibly profound and deep and meaningful or ....
totally banal :roll:

All three, but it is a Friday. :lol:

A little something I compiled for the amusement of our members.

The Holiday Guide

This guide has evolved over more than a decade of club holidays and other trips tagged on here and there. The holidays have brought together so many people over the years, with a great number of friendships formed. This guide celebrates the memories we have of those trips.
People new to our trips may get an idea of who they will be spending a week!
It should also remind those who have been before just what they got up to!
Behind most are funny stories. Any exaggeration, omission or dam right lies are there for either comedy effect, to protect the guilty or to accuse the innocent.
If you're intrigued please ask!

Not suitable for young children, or those of a nervous disposition.

Preparation
Preparation is the key to a great ski holiday. Special attention should be given to two main areas – General fitness and Alcohol tolerance.
By strict order of the Committee - No Erics allowed!
Checking the resort webcams for new snowfall each morning for six weeks prior to travel is essential. Getting eight inches overnight brings a smile to the face and leaves you with a contented feeling all day. Getting half a metre may leave you feeling dizzy and unable to work.
There are now special skis available which are especially suited to poor snow conditions, they can be skied over rocks without worry, even across roads and generally abused. Find them in all good resort ski shops – they're called Hire Skis.
No your ski jacket hasn't shrunk since last year.
No excuses will be acceptable re lack of fitness – you've known you're coming for months and have just been a lazy bugger!
The committee have worked hard organising this holiday. As such they've not had time to get fit and so it's perfectly acceptable for them to complain about lack of fitness and you should, of course, provide maximum sympathy for them (eg carrying their skis, cases etc on arrival and so on).
Why does it take 30 seconds to get an up to date weather forecast and lift openings for the slopes while sitting at your desk at work, yet prove impossible when in resort, when it actually matters? No I don't know either, that's why I asked… Actually it's worth looking for a rep, if no reps to be found then there is probably three feet of fresh powder up top….
Never believe the brochure when it says two chalets are near to each other. Near means a half mile uphill walk or skiing via 3 lifts and a steep black run.
All children should wear helmets. In snow sports the term children, relates to anyone between the ages of 1 and 101.
Anybody who actually gives an accurate weather forecast from their morning glance out of the window will, themselves, not take note of it and therefore spend the day with either too much clothing or too little.
The wrong goggle lens shall be fitted each day – this statement shall hold true even for those with just one pair of goggles without changeable lenses.
According to the rep in Val Thorens, the best powder can be found in the 'Frog and Roast Beef' pub….
Always protect your eyes; the sun is very strong at altitude. And the glare from Shelia's ski jacket is even stronger.
When the 8am weather forecast tells of -16c at resort level and a moderate wind, it's probably not the best time to head for the highest point in the area, the Marmolada. We skied in -24c with a wind chill of -25c. Mad? Yep! Good snow though!
Plans for the day should be made over breakfast as those made in a bar late at night can not be relied on. (Relied on? You're lucky if the slightest detail can be recalled.)
Members should note that this rule must not be abused. Agreeing to ski with multiple parties then denying all knowledge is forbidden.
It was only a suggestion! The articulate way in which some speak suggests they know what they are talking about, when in actual fact they talk more shit that a manure salesman. Beware!
Maximum effort is compulsory, what do you think this is, a holiday?
Only take as many people as you have beds for and avoid the twice daily climb up the hill from the 'additional' accommodation. (Mental note to self - learn to count before next year! – ARH)
It is compulsory that you fail to notice that you've left a glove in your room, until you have put your ski boots on.
It is possible to have too much snow.
The committee prides itself on our ability to arrange ski holidays to coincide with particularly great skiing conditions. Should our luck skill look as if it might let us down we do have a sure fire method of inducing snowfall. The Snow Dance. First used by the club a few years ago, members dancing from Worthing to Sheffield did indeed bring about a change in the weather and a massive dump for our arrival in the Alps. The Snow Dance is somewhere in-between the All Blacks Haka and the Macarena. As long as you do it like you mean it, it's fine. The dancers need to be facing the Alps and spread across as large a part of the UK as possible – full ski gear is optional.
No member may buy more than one pair of skis per holiday.
42 is, of course, the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Then there is powder…
The conversation was about acoustics and sound dynamics, not just the lack of soft furnishings…
The committee will undertake a special recognisance mission during Dec 08 to ascertain the latest situation regarding soft furnishings I mean acoustics and sound dynamics in Tignes chalet…
You'll be pleased to hear the special recognisance mission was successful. The situation regarding soft furnishings I mean acoustics and sound dynamics in Tignes chalet has been rectified…

Travelling
Be organised, pack all the things you will need at the airport, such as passport, money etc in your hand luggage. However doing this is pretty pointless if you then leave the bag at home Steve!
Members must refrain from such famous last words as; 'The good thing about the early flight is that there won't be a delay……
Do not moan about having to carry your luggage for about a mile around Lyon airport. Instead make a mental note to buy luggage with wheels!
Seven hours stuck at the airport and an eight hour transfer going the long way, but no complaints to the ski reps. How can you complain about too much snow?
Are we nearly there yet?
New club record. Delay of 14 and a quarter hours. 9am departure from Chambery became 11.15pm from Grenoble…
We know a great game to play if delayed.
Please keep rugby supporters in mind when booking the transfer coach…
You know there's a lot of snow when snow chains wouldn't be a bad idea in the centre of Norwich! When from the air the only bit you can see not covered in snow is the English Channel. And on reaching France you find out that you've been very lucky to even to have gotten out of the UK with most airports having been closed. Better make the most of the conditions!

On Arrival
Members should not show their disappointment when they discover that while 'Austrian Twins' does refer to sleeping arrangements, it's not quite what you were hoping for.
On arrival at any resort several totally independent and uncoordinated trips should take place to the nearest supermarket. Each party should buy "some" beer which, when all get together again that night, turns out to be more than enough for the whole holiday.
Champagne should be drunk on arrival in the mountains.
Each room will have something wrong with it - however "your" room's problems will easily be "worse" than everybody else's – you have six days to argue your case.
When others on the trip start to explain just how bad their bedroom is, lack of space, broken tiles, no storage, etc. It's probably not a good idea to tell them that your room is really nice…
Beware of brochure descriptions, where it says 'room with sloping ceiling' don't be surprised if you get a loft space with a bed. While there might be advantages to being able to firmly plant your feet on the ceiling when lying in bed, this is not the time or the place to debate them.
We must have made an impression in Val D'Isere every December they now produce a sculpture of Chris every year…

On the Slopes
The Club does not recognise the Green, Blue, Red & Black colour coding of runs. We just ski/board the white ones. Brown ones, particularly rocky brown ones are best avoided. Skiing runs which have more vegetation than snow is just silly. (Though that hasn't stopped us in the past!)
Novice skiers may find themselves turning a particularly challenging white run into a brown run at short notice. Suggest other skiers go first where such a risk is possible.
You know it's going to be 'one of those great ski days' when at first 'coffee' stop, seven hip flasks appear between a group of five skiers.
When hailed by a fellow skier from a chairlift, failure to stop and acknowledge the hail is an offence, whatever the lie of the land.
The best skier/boarder is the one who enjoys it the most.
Club members must not laugh at the falls of less experienced skiers/boarders unless:
• The fall happens while stationary
• The fall happens whilst in a lift queue
• The fall is particularly funny
• The fall happens while showing off
It is compulsory to laugh at the fall of a more experienced skier/boarder, however such laughter should not commence prior to the establishment of the more experienced skier's/boarder's post wipe out health.
Any advanced skier/boarder who doesn't have a fall during the week just isn't trying hard enough.
Any skier/boarder who falls should do so in view of as many club members as possible. Extra merit will be earned if being filmed when fall occurs. The club reserves the right to make £250 by sending such videos to 'You've Been Framed'.
'Expert' skier/boarders should not make excuses, face it you're getting old.
More famous last words… 'You know we haven't been stuck on a lift all week….' Don't do it!
Snowboarders who insist on planting their arses in the snow in the middle of the piste, with no consideration for other skiers/boarders, should be showered with snow and/or abuse where ever possible. Skewering with a ski pole is only an acceptable practice if the place they've stopped is particularly stupid.
Yes the long flat bits were put there just to annoy Boarders.
The following are acceptable ways of stopping:
• Snowplough stop
• Parallel stop
• Tree (though not recommended)
• Coffee, beer, Glühwein stops (although limited to 8 per day) are recommended particularly if you are paying.
Anyone falling into yellow snow must ski at the rear of the group thereafter.
If you break a bit of equipment, make sure you do it as far from base/shops/help as possible. Naturally, if in a group, you will be the last one and your colleagues will be around 1Km further down hill from you. Being so far away they won't understand your hand signals – so don't bother. Least that's what they'll tell you in the bar later…
Anecdotes may only be recited a maximum of three times throughout the holiday, although an exaggeration factor of 10% can be applied on each iteration. On two seater lifts, turns should be taken in reciting such anecdotes – the other party must remain fully enthralled and should, at least, not snore audibly.
… however, falls of other members may be recited as often as felt necessary (then some) – each with an exaggeration factor of 10% (if faller was a beginner), 25% (if intermediate) or 50% (if advanced) – cumulative. All exaggerations should also be doubled in any venue where alcohol is being served.
… experts may only "explain" why they fell for up to 30 seconds. Intermediates may only do so for 2 minutes. Beginners may, on the other hand, take as long as they like to explain the unique, challenging and totally unavoidable set of amazing circumstances that led to their demise and how they very nearly avoided coming a cropper at all.
Additional … uniformed instructors should not expect time to explain falls, even if occurring during race training. They should proceed straight to the bar, on buying a round they just might be requested to explain.
German Children who push in the lift queue are fair sport.
Towards the end of a lift, there will probably be a sign that says Arrive' 30m, the committee would like to point out this does not mean get off now.
Beware of the killer chairlift… Last seen in Bardonecchia, Italy.
Come to a controlled stop below the rest of your group, never stop above them, take note. Particularly those who should know better (Stan).
Landing on your face is not something you should talk about incessantly, that's for everyone else to do.
No unauthorised 'dumping' in your salopettes.
If a fellow member is filming, it is the duty of every skier/boarder to try and cover said individual in snow.
Sometimes there are two, occasionally there are three, but there's always one.
It is a serious misconception that off-piste skiing/boarding is the most dangerous part of a ski holiday, when of course the really dangerous part is bum-boarding. Contrary to common belief the spine is not the best shock absorber and members should bare this in mind when recounting where it hurts during breakfast the following day. Any member found actually in control of a bum-board will be disciplined.
Bladeing with poles is outlawed because it looks really silly; have you ever seen a blader with poles? I thank you!!!
Club members should give an audible warning should they be the first to discover a patch of ice. The traditional form of such a warning, which is recognised by skiers/boarders of all nationalities, is AAARRRRGGGHHHH!
There's icy and then there's Val D'Isere's Face two days after they've run the Men's World Cup Giant Slalom down it. Kin ell!
Enjoy the scenery!
Club members should gauge the quality of the runs, equipment etc by 'giggle factor', this is scored from 1-10 depending on how wide the smiles are at the end of the run. The club record currently stands at 'giggle factor 16' scored after a sublime powder run in St Anton.
It is compulsory to scare yourself at least once per holiday. (9 Euros for a pint of beer doesn't count!)
When Stan looks over the edge and mutters 'kin 'ell', it's probably a good idea to join the run further down! Unless you're a mad Aussie boarder who doesn't mind going head first!
The most important task during the first days skiing, is working out the route to ski back to the chalet off-piste avoiding the walk up the hill. Up the slalom course drag, off at the big boulder just past the second pylon. Traverse around the second row of avalanche barriers, round the little hut (watch the steep banking Paul), down to the next level, round the corner, remove skis and duck under roof into corridor, turn left into ski room. Our best route yet - Val Thorens March 2004.
If building/using jumps, make sure that they are in sight of the ski lift. Then the people on the lift can applaud/laugh/call emergency services….
Beware of a snowboarder's blind spot. Noting that with some snowboarders this will be almost 360 degrees!
When off-piste and travelling at speed, watch out for fast moving Marks!
When one of your fellow skiers goes missing during a white out, don't worry when you can't contact them on the radio. It takes time having skied off the edge of the piste, down a 10 foot drop into deep powder, 1 to discover which way is up, 2 count body parts and to check they are all still attached, 3 get upright, 4 put skis back on, 5 locate piste and 6 climb back up.
When using a ski lock to secure several pairs of skis, ensure you have the means to remove it if the combination fails to work. Otherwise a scene reminiscent of the film 'the plank' will be played out as you carry the bundle of assorted skis to a lift station to have the wire cut.
Don't bother to tell the rest of the group where to meet at the end of the run as Chris B will always end up somewhere else anyway.
In warm weather make sure you are on the best run at 11.37am. That is the optimum moment between the rock solid ice of early morning and the slush of the afternoon.
A Snowplough stop is better than a parallel crash.
Flying down your first black run going weeeeeeeee! Now try it on skis Verity.
After skiing your first black run it is compulsory to pose for a photo with the slope behind you. Then you can show all your friends and say I skied that!
When a number of the group return from a heli-skiing trip, give them half an hour before you ask them about it, as it will take them this long before being able to speak coherently. Just ask to see the photos.
Fang is best skied under the influence. Going sideways on the ice seems so much more relaxed after 3 Glühweins …
AVET – Full on black run to finish off a days skiing in a Peter Kaye kind of way.
If you have your skis serviced shortly before skiing a tricky black run with minimal snow cover, don't expect your companions to keep a straight face when you show them the damage at the bottom.
A warning while off piste. That mound under that lift might just be a hidden concrete lump not nice soft snow. Trying to ski 'through' it can lead to a quite excellent superman impression followed by a mega face plant and much cheering from the lift.
The winter of 2007/8 had one of the poorest snow falls for many years. So how was it I spent more time skiing in white out conditions than in the previous 5 years put together?
If, while in a neighbouring resort, you suggest meeting at the end of the day for the taxi by the gondola (along with a general wave of the arm downhill!), if there's more than one gondola make sure that you clarify which one your fellow skiers should meet you by…
The wonders of modern technology. With today's video cameras it is possible to film someone, (lets call her Shelia) stuck in the snow, with her skis above her head having skied into a tree and make it look like it is miles from anywhere. Panning round however, shows that the tree is in fact 3 meters from the chalet's ski room and currently the quantity of laughter is hampering any possible rescue attempt…
There is a technical term for lots of cloud down in the valley – Big fluffy pillows for giants…
Happiness is ending up covered head to foot in snow and you haven't fallen over.
Before setting off look up the slope, left and then right, oh and then up in the air! Sharing the mountain with Paraponters in Les Arcs. Wow!
Before deciding to have an easy afternoon before catching the bus back to resort, remember to check that there is actually a bus back to resort. Especially when you are guiding a group including your grandchildren…
There are several forms of warm down which can be used after a hard day on the slopes. One of which is to get off the ski bus one stop early to leave you with a steep uphill walk via two hairpin bends back to the chalet. A warm down, we did it deliberately… yea right.
GPS systems are becoming more common, we tested one and Chris was really proud in the chalet that evening when the unit told him that at one point he had been skiing at 23 mph. That was until we pointed out that that was when he was on the ski bus!
Care should be taken to avoid a frozen tube whilst skiing. A good blow before setting off usually prevents the problem. Better still buy a neoprene sleeve to keep your tube in. Care should also be taken to avoid a dribbly tube, as a wet patch can become uncomfortable.
A good degree of control should be maintained whilst on the slopes, however one of our group, whilst on a black run, suddenly found this difficult when he kept finding himself leaning back. Later he discovered that his ski boots were still set on 'walk mode' ... ski mode being a feature on these particular boots that was triggered when you leant forward! However I can't point the finger as whilst my boots don't have a 'walk mode' I have had to stop a few turns into a black run as I've forgotten to do my boots up at all…..
Talking of being in control, Lloyd says he saw Sabina pull off the worlds most impressive face plant. Apparently trying to emulate Lloyd's 'courageous off-piste dancing', oh yeah? Sound more like Lloyd leading Sabina astray…
One thing to remember when off piste skiing is a bit of gradient is essential or your run soon becomes a stand, which then becomes a slow trudge though waist deep snow. Even more important is to avoid such embarrassing incidents in view of people you know. Such an incident happening at the start of the day on the first run when skiing with half the group…. The two Andys take a bow!
Paul drew attention to a wipe out by Lloyd on the scare chair side of Alpe D'huez - head down, straight line through middle of the red into a blind bump. Must have been doing 60mph when he took off and eventually landed…
Lloyd said 'I think there was hint of arrogance and over confidence from the youthful member in the group (me). Egged on by Toby, one too many point an go's resulted in a terrible technique and saw me slide 80m down to the bottom of the slope past an instructor giving a private lesson to a couple of oldies. Lesson learnt.
The club can't condone such things, I mean Paul completely failed to capture the event on video…
Lloyd says he's thankful that there are no pictures of him in his 'amazing' Company branded ski hat.
Nobody gets left behind. Well not unless they have to remove a boot during a stop and their group conveniently don't notice. I stopped, being the kind hearted soul that I am, only to discover that he had no idea which way they had headed…
Enjoy the scenery! (Yes I know I've repeated that one, but it's important)

Apres Ski
The Iceberg Pub, halfway back to the hotel, Guinness two for one during happy hour. That will do nicely.
All members are expected to know the words to at least three Monty Python songs. The singing of such songs is compulsory on all coach journeys of over 10 minutes duration.
Falling over 'in a nightclub' does not constitute a ski injury. Well maybe one obtained skiing back from the Krazy Kangaroo in the dark…
Falling over getting out of the hot tub doesn't constitute a ski injury either…
Marshmallows are compulsory. All claims of extreme marshmallow competence must be proved on request.
Chase the ace should not be played by any high altitude bleeders.
Pool players must not blame the 2-inch slope on the table for their lack of ball control.
No repeating of jokes (particularly really bad ones).
There are more and more Aussies working in resort bars these days. Make sure you get The Ashes into the conversation at the earliest opportunity. (Unless it's 30 seconds to the end of happy hour, in which case payment of drinks comes first.)
A committee member (called Richard) should not slowly slide down the wall with a silly drunken grin on his face.
Don't let Butts light the fire. No I mean it. You really don't want Butts to light the fire.
Butts – Fire – Wooden chalet. See what I'm getting at here…
If you are going to drink more than the recommended maximum weekly intake on alcohol in a single day make sure it is done under medical supervision. Find a friendly GP and take them with you.
'Did he say butt-plug?'
There's nothing like a rousing organ recital. And that was nothing like a rousing organ recital. The amazing thing was that those notes, in that order, were intentional!
It's music Jim, but not how we know it.
Before recycling beer up against a wall outside a club late at night. Make sure that the wall is not in fact a window of said club where customers therein have a grandstand view…
Stories told about your days skiing must be proportional to the drinks you buy your audience.
Gorilla impressions are optional.
Photos are uploaded daily to Chris' laptop. Some are of some pretty extreme stuff, cliffs, Couloirs etc. The most extreme however are those taken in the Krazy Kangaroo the night before…
Talking of photos, viewing Chris' own photos of just about every property in resort, you may be forgiven for thinking that he may have been an estate agent in a previous life.
Don't take the staff on at Fussball, they've been practising.

Food and Drink
Do not drink and ski. It will almost inevitably lead to the spilling of beer. Club terminology for the 'spilling of beer' is 'alcohol abuse'.
Broccoli is forbidden. Don't ask…Well,… OK, ... Les Menuires Boot-room soup and 101 other tasty recipes, need I say more...?
It is the duty of every club member to try to discover why the toilets in all mountain restaurants have to be at the bottom of wet stone steps.
Orangeina is not an acceptable excuse.
Nuclear chicken wings from the Mangy Moose in Jackson Hole are officially rated at triple black diamond and should only be attempted by experts.
Before using a finger bowl to clean your fingers, check that it's not actually an orange sauce to dip your onion rings in.
An all you can eat breakfast in the Teton Steakhouse is the not best preparation for a hard days skiing.
The club will not tolerate alcohol abuse. Drinks must not be split or left unfinished.
Turning bread (proper thick stuff) into toast is now an extreme sport in Andorra.
Hang on we're getting back to the skier – fire – wooden chalet scenario again here aren't we…
Extreme lunching should only be attempted by experts. Invented in Val D'Isere we set a new world record, beginning at 12.15pm we only left at 7.15pm when someone pointed out that canapés were about to be served back at the chalet.
Extreme picnicking must be undertaken if travelling by train.
Precise Picnic Planning and Preparation Prevents Particularly Poor Pate Porkpie and Profiterole Performance.
Capable cooks keep customers contented creating crispy choux, chocolate and cream, causing confidence in comestibles in current climate!
You've not skied until you've had the full rack of ribs for lunch at the Moosewirt. Some will say that they've skied after eating the full rack of ribs for lunch. They are lying!
Wine is served until coffee, so just before the coffee is served make sure all the carafes are full.
It seems that altitude can do weird things to people as witnessed by Lloyd in 2010 Alpe D'Heuz. His memory of the holiday was watching one of the chalet girls eat a yoghurt with a carrot who seemed to think it was normal.
I could have written 'Chalet girl shows Lloyd what she can do with a carrot and a pot of yoghurt'. But that would just be wrong.

Now that is a comprehensive response.

Think of writing a book on, "The Perfect Ski Tourist "


A small comment on the "tourist" label.

Not all skiers are tourist. For some it is a life time activity which borders on a "passion" or obsession so it is not a "one week affair", but a life time of "passion".


You can tell the difference at the chalet and in the slopes.

Just my opinion.

Andyhull, loved reading that, sounds like a great group. So many nuggets in your response could equally apply to the group I ski with. Thanks for the giggles.