Latest posts for the topic "Ski Jokes......for AllyG"

Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 14:11:26 GMT

Having noticed that Ally loves jokes on the slopes i thought we could start a Ski Joke thread. Lets have your best.
I will start us off.

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the hell is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Jesus! How big are the cats?"

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 08:39:27 GMT

Thanks Snapzzz,
That was very funny :D

Does no-one else know any ski jokes? How sad :cry:

I'm afraid what makes me laugh when I'm ski-ing are what you might call situational jokes, which simply aren't funny when they're out of context.
And, also they tend to be very long shaggy dog stories and I don't want to be accused of wibbling again.

Ally

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 08:46:13 GMT

:lol:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 08:51:15 GMT

How many ski instructors does it take to put in a light bulb?

Eleven. One to put the bulb in and Ten to analyze the turning.

:roll:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 09:02:04 GMT

Brimster wrote:How many ski instructors does it take to put in a light bulb?

Eleven. One to put the bulb in and Ten to analyze the turning.

:roll:

Brimster,
That's really funny, I'll have to try and remember that one :thumbup:

I can just visualize ten ski instructors supervising me replacing a light bulb - I'd never manage it at all, with ten of them watching me :lol:

Ally

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 09:19:41 GMT

How many lifties does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they just call maintenance!

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 09:24:32 GMT

What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend/boyfriend?

Homeless :oops:

Ok i promise thats me done on this one......

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 09:46:42 GMT

What did the snowboarder say just before killing himself?

Hey dude ......Watch this!!!!!! :twisted:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:42:39 GMT

Did you hear about the skier from the Leprosy Mission playing cards in an apres bar?

He threw his hand in.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:06:15 GMT

What is the difference between a beginner snowboarder and a snowboard instructor?

3 days!

Admit I nicked it off the internet and only posted it as I'm hoping it's true as taking my daughter and mate next month and they're having 3 private snowboard lessons.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:11:10 GMT

Dids1 wrote: What is the difference between a beginner snowboarder and a snowboard instructor?

3 days!

Theres the winner.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:31:29 GMT

Thanks everyone for the jokes, please keep them coming :D

What a good idea, Dids, nicking them off the internet :thumbup:
Here's one I nicked - reminds me of my morning instructor in Courchevel:

Q What's the difference between God and a ski instructor?

A God doesn't think he's a ski instructor :lol:

Ally

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:33:04 GMT

Two blokes skiing on a mountain and one bloke says to the other 'where did you get those new ski's',
first bloke says 'well I was skiing up here yesterday and this woman comes along, unclips her ski's, takes all her clothes off and says,'Take whatever you want'
Second bloke says 'good choice mate, the clothes would never have fitted you any-way'.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:15:43 GMT

Top tip:

The next time you're skiing and some German buggers elbow their way towards the front of the queue for the gondolas, wait until the doors on their gondola close, step forward, remove their skis from the racks on the outside and prop them up against the wall.
It makes them rather cross.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:32:52 GMT

Snowblades in off piste powder........

:D

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:03:15 GMT

What to you call six boarders in a landrover??
.........A good days shooting!!

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:53:25 GMT

Snapzzz wrote:Top tip:

The next time you're skiing and some German buggers elbow their way towards the front of the queue for the gondolas, wait until the doors on their gondola close, step forward, remove their skis from the racks on the outside and prop them up against the wall.
It makes them rather cross.

You have just made my day. i will definatly be doing this.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 21:12:50 GMT

Brimster wrote:How many ski instructors does it take to put in a light bulb?

Eleven. One to put the bulb in and Ten to analyze the turning.

:roll:

How many snowboarders does it take to put a light bulb in?

Eleven. One to screw the bulb in and 10 to say "That's awesome dude."

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 21:18:16 GMT

Snowbandit,
Reading your joke, I thought the answer was going to be:

'You can forget it - they'd never manage it ...'

Ally

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 10:30:58 GMT

Tony_H wrote:Did you hear about the skier from the Leprosy Mission playing cards in an apres bar?

He threw his hand in.

The other guys head fell off laughing!!!

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 10:44:00 GMT

Stewart Dowling wrote:

Tony_H wrote:Did you hear about the skier from the Leprosy Mission playing cards in an apres bar?

He threw his hand in.

The other guys head fell off laughing!!!

And the driver left his foot on the brake

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 10:55:50 GMT

His mate left the bar legless

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:11:23 GMT

They weren't dangerous though, all totally armless.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:37:49 GMT

What's the difference between God and a ski instructor?

God doesn't think he's a ski instructor.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:57:28 GMT

when his mate finished laughing he said I have to HAND it to you that was funny

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:09:45 GMT

ewanmalone wrote:What's the difference between God and a ski instructor?

God doesn't think he's a ski instructor.

Is there an echo in here?

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:56:48 GMT

in here

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:57:21 GMT

in here

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:57:33 GMT

in here...

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:57:39 GMT

in here

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:57:56 GMT

in here

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:59:48 GMT

:mrgreen:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:53:21 GMT

SomeRandomDriveByLoser wrote:great site really informative i learned a lot great stuff keep it up

by anna

Unlike yours which appears to randomly promote essay writing in the States.

How does the phrase sex and travel grab you?

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:01:21 GMT

Tony_H wrote:
How does the phrase sex and travel grab you?

That's got to be the description for your new job :lol:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:09:18 GMT

bandit wrote:

Tony_H wrote:
How does the phrase sex and travel grab you?

That's got to be the description for your new job :lol:

I could live with that.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:16:29 GMT

Tony_H wrote:

bandit wrote:

Tony_H wrote:
How does the phrase sex and travel grab you?

That's got to be the description for your new job :lol:

I could live with that.

Grabs me by the nuts.
Very appealing :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:02:43 GMT

Two skiers are discussing skiing (of all things).
First one says "I just love zag-zigging down the slalom slope."
Second skier says "it's zig-zagging, not zag-zigging" and an argument ensues.
Eventually they decide to ask someone else so they go up to this bloke dressed in ski-gear
and say 'Excuse me matey, but do we zig-zag down the slalom or zag-zig?'
To which the bloke says "Don't ask me, I'm a tobogganist"
and the second skier says "Excellent, I'll have twenty Rothmans then, please."

I'll get my coat....

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:37:14 GMT

PrivateBryan wrote:Two skiers are discussing skiing (of all things).
First one says "I just love zag-zigging down the slalom slope."
Second skier says "it's zig-zagging, not zag-zigging" and an argument ensues.
Eventually they decide to ask someone else so they go up to this bloke dressed in ski-gear
and say 'Excuse me matey, but do we zig-zag down the slalom or zag-zig?'
To which the bloke says "Don't ask me, I'm a tobogganist"
and the second skier says "Excellent, I'll have twenty Rothmans then, please."

I'll get my coat....

Thats the first one that made my laugh out loud

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:59:39 GMT

A guy went into a bar and said 'shall I tell you a snowboarder joke', the bartender says you should be warned I am a boarder, the bloke behind you is a boarder and the one behind him is as well.
The guy said o k a y I 'l l t e l l i t m u c h s l o w e r

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 22:13:11 GMT

The penguin decides he has had enough of the arctic circle, and books himself onto a flight to London, desparate to see the Queen. He flies into Heathrow, and after stepping off the plane realises just how warm England is compared to his home."Ooh, hot day, hot day" he mumbles shuffling to baggage collection and putting GBP2 into the vending machine for a couple of freezing cold bottles of water.
Unsure of public transport, he hires a car. The sales person makes sure he has got air conditioning and AA cover just in case. Off he trots to the car pick up area. "Ooh very hot very hot" and sweat starts to pour off his brow.
He finally locates his car, gets in and cranks the air con as low as possible. "Aah, hot day, hot day".
He finds his way onto the M4 and heads into town, only for the car to start spluttering and grind to a halt. Now he is really sweating. Luckily, he has got AA cover, so he gives them a ring on his penguin mobile, but its too hot sitting in the car, so he starts walking towards an ice cream van parked at Heston services. "Hot day hot day, very hot very hot".
"What can I get you sir?" says the ice cream man.
"99, very hot. No flake, hot day."
And the ice cream man hands him a super size cornet with lovely cold vanilla ice cream. Penguin dabs the ice cream all over his face to cool down, and waddles back to the car, only to find the AA man already under the bonnet.
"Ooh hot day hot day" says Penguin as the AA man turns round to tell him "I think I've found the problem sir" looking at Penguin with ice cream all over his face. "It looks like you've blown a seal......."

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:37:41 GMT

what's the difference between two large pizzas and a ski instructor?

Two large pizzas can feed a family of five.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:38:21 GMT

What do snowboarders use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:41:15 GMT

Ski jumping is where you race down a steep hill and fly 300 feet through the air.

There's just got to be a better way to meet nurses!!

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:52:52 GMT

A skier in a bar asks the big guy next to him 'do you want to hear a joke about snowboarders?', the big guy replies, 'before you do, you should know that I am a 6'2" snowboarder with a season pass, the guy next to me is 14 stone and sponsored by Burton. You see the big guy over there? Rides over 100 days a season. Do you still want to tell that joke?' Skier says: "Nahhh, not if I am going to have to explain it 3 times".

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:28:50 GMT

RoseR wrote:A guy went into a bar and said 'shall I tell you a snowboarder joke', the bartender says you should be warned I am a boarder, the bloke behind you is a boarder and the one behind him is as well.
The guy said o k a y I 'l l t e l l i t m u c h s l o w e r

maybe i'm in a childish mood but that tickled me :lol:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:31:38 GMT

Tony_H wrote:The penguin decides he has had enough of the arctic circle, and books himself onto a flight to London, desparate to see the Queen. He flies into Heathrow, and after stepping off the plane realises just how warm England is compared to his home."Ooh, hot day, hot day" he mumbles shuffling to baggage collection and putting GBP2 into the vending machine for a couple of freezing cold bottles of water.
Unsure of public transport, he hires a car. The sales person makes sure he has got air conditioning and AA cover just in case. Off he trots to the car pick up area. "Ooh very hot very hot" and sweat starts to pour off his brow.
He finally locates his car, gets in and cranks the air con as low as possible. "Aah, hot day, hot day".
He finds his way onto the M4 and heads into town, only for the car to start spluttering and grind to a halt. Now he is really sweating. Luckily, he has got AA cover, so he gives them a ring on his penguin mobile, but its too hot sitting in the car, so he starts walking towards an ice cream van parked at Heston services. "Hot day hot day, very hot very hot".
"What can I get you sir?" says the ice cream man.
"99, very hot. No flake, hot day."
And the ice cream man hands him a super size cornet with lovely cold vanilla ice cream. Penguin dabs the ice cream all over his face to cool down, and waddles back to the car, only to find the AA man already under the bonnet.
"Ooh hot day hot day" says Penguin as the AA man turns round to tell him "I think I've found the problem sir" looking at Penguin with ice cream all over his face. "It looks like you've blown a seal......."

hahahahahahahahaha :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:45:22 GMT

Sex is like snow..........you never know how many inches your going to get or how long it will last :oops:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 21:56:31 GMT

If you are going try Cross Country Skiing, first start with a very small country.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 09:55:25 GMT

hahahahaha a bit morbid there brucie but so true!

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 10:02:08 GMT

Snapzzz wrote:If you are going try Cross Country Skiing, first start with a very small country.

I totally agree with that one Snapzzz :lol:

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 03:24:18 GMT

Here is a link to some ski definitions that cracked me up...

http://www.ahajokes.com/gui14.html

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 08:37:43 GMT

badlandskid wrote:Here is a link to some ski definitions that cracked me up...

http://www.ahajokes.com/gui14.html

He he, with my fav being:

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain.
An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 08:40:52 GMT

What do you call a ski instructor without a girlfriend?

Homeless !!!!!

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:47:59 GMT

Our instructor gave us this one:

Whats the difference between a Ski School Snake and a normal snake?

A normal snake has the arsehole at the rear.

Re:Ski Jokes......for AllyG

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:54:07 GMT

Thanks very much for the jokes everyone - they're very much appreciated :D

I will try and remember some of them, so that next time I'm frozen with fear on a ski slope I will thaw a bit and start to ski okay again.

Ally